


how can I love when I'm afraid?

by gazing



Category: Ratched (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bittersweet, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Communication, Established Relationship, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Healing, Hopeful Ending, Paranoia, Post-Canon, for the prompt pride, they r in love and in pain and stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-13 18:07:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29157891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gazing/pseuds/gazing
Summary: Old habits are hard to break.Fortunately, Gwendolyn is patient.And Mildred? Mildred is brave.
Relationships: Gwendolyn Briggs/Mildred Ratched
Comments: 8
Kudos: 58





	how can I love when I'm afraid?

**Author's Note:**

> (set soon after the last ep. kind of an extra scene?)
> 
> hello! it's me (again? i think i spend all of my time in the mildolyn tag)
> 
> it's femslash february and i was trying to think of something for the prompt 'pride' and i suddenly had this idea! i wasn't planning on writing another mildolyn fic but you know what being a writer is like... it's not as long as my usual mildolyn works, but hopefully you enjoy it all the same
> 
> stay safe and warm! best wishes from me, as always <3 thank you for reading!

Mildred has been keeping secrets.

Gwendolyn stares up at the shadows. She usually sleeps so well in this bed. A combination of the warm air in Mexico and the weight of Mildred beside her has given Gwendolyn a respite from her tumour and her fears, safe from the lingering cold. But tonight... tonight feels like the nights after she left Trevor, alone in the dark, wishing for company.

Earlier that day she had found a knife hidden under the bed, while she was looking for a book she'd misplaced. She had almost sliced her palm on the blade's edge. When Gwendolyn had pulled it from the dark space under the bed she had seen her reflection in the shining metal, her own eyes staring back at her.

And usually, Gwendolyn would've dismissed the knife as strange, and it would've had no real place in her mind. Her life has been so full of meaningless, bothersome worries that she has learned to savour the easy bubble of peace she has with Mildred here. But just that week she'd found a camera hidden over their archway of their front door, and so it had stuck, the two objects holding meaning.

Because Mildred would not have hidden a knife underneath where they are sleeping if she did not think that they needed it. After all, Mildred is _clever._ In that magnificent brain of hers, the knife held some sense, some future plan that she had not told Gwendolyn.

Gwendolyn had begun to think they were a team. It is startling, isn't it, to be kept out of the loop again?

It isn't only the items she'd found hidden away, either. It's how Mildred's eyes have dulled a little, and she frowns more often. Some of the wonder has slipped from her cheeks and Gwendolyn has asked her, repeatedly, _what's wrong, darling,_ and she has been rebuffed. Sometimes Gwendolyn finds Mildred sitting up at night, staring out of the windows at the darkness, as if something is hiding there. But when Gwendolyn asks, she shakes her head and burrows under the covers again.

Gwendolyn knows Mildred checks the newspapers for Edmund. That had been something they _shared,_ at least. But this... this is secrets. Mildred is hiding from her, again.

Gwendolyn's not angry. She turns on her side, her hand ghosting over Mildred's cheek. She's _sad._ Because she had foolishly thought that, now, Mildred might share some of her burden. That Mildred might melt into her, and reveal everything that worried her, every dark shadow, so that Gwendolyn could lift some of the weight. Brighten some of her pain.

But even now, there is too much space between them. Gwendolyn closes her eyes, and thinks of that knife, hidden under their bed for a reason Mildred won't tell her.

*

They're watching the sunrise, with a cup of tea each, when Gwendolyn finally asks.

"Are you happy?" She murmurs, to the rising sun.

Mildred reaches for her hand, and when Gwendolyn looks at her, Mildred's eyebrows are furrowed with confusion. She squeezes Gwendolyn's hand, as gentle and warm as ever.

"Of course, darling." Mildred says, as if it's obvious. Gwendolyn swallows. "Of course I am. Why would you ask that?"

Gwendolyn pauses, glancing down at their intertwined fingers. She does not want to break this pretence of peace. They've created such a happy world for themselves. But if it is a lie- then Gwendolyn doesn't want it. She would rather have Mildred's truth, however harsh and painful it may be.

"There is something... bothering you, isn't there?"

Mildred's face doesn't change. She has always been so good at constructing lies. She can change her expression at her will, and Gwendolyn once despised it, how easily she could pretend. But it makes her sad, now, makes her wish for the raw honesty Mildred shows only to her.

"No," Mildred smiles, "Not at all."

Gwendolyn sighs. How many lies, she thinks, has Mildred fed her. But it is alright. She must love Mildred regardless, for as long as she can.

"If there was anything troubling you, you could come to me. You know that, don't you?" Gwendolyn says, "Mildred, you don't have to hide from me."

"I'm not."

Gwendolyn gives her a sad smile.

"Alright." She says, knowing better than to push. _Some things_ , she thinks, with Mildred's hand in her own, _never change_.

The silence as the sun rises should be peaceful, pretty as the changing sky. But Gwendolyn can sense unease. She's never been an idiot. Their time in Mexico has been delightful, but it is a fantasy. She feels often like they're hovering on the edge of a cliff. Her only hope is that they fall together.

"Actually-" Mildred swallows. Gwendolyn's heart lifts with hope, but then Mildred shakes her head. "Nevermind. Don't worry so much."

Gwendolyn has resigned herself to this, now. If they are to live in a lie forever, Gwendolyn can survive it. She would do anything to be by Mildred's side. She has already given up her life for her.

"Last week I had a call from Edmund." Mildred says suddenly, in a steady, careful voice. Gwendolyn tries not to react. Tries to act as if she didn't hear it, so that Mildred will continue speaking. "You know what he wants, Gwendolyn. You know what he'll do if he finds us."

Gwendolyn gives a short nod.

"I need to find him. But I didn't want-" Mildred pauses. Gwendolyn doesn't look at her. Gives her time, and space. "I didn't want to ruin this. We're so- we're so _happy_ , Gwendolyn."

Gwendolyn sends her a smile, at last, gripping Mildred's hand tightly in her own. Her heart lifts. Mildred had told her, again, a truth she must've wanted to desperately to hide.

"Edmund Tolleson cannot change that, and he cannot change _us_." She says, "So that is what the knife and the camera is for?"

Mildred shifts uncomfortably.

"I'm sorry, I should've told you-" Mildred sighs, "Old habits are hard to break. I was afraid he'd find us here."

Gwendolyn rises from her seat. She comes to kneel in front of Mildred, and takes both of her hands in her own, giving her a warm and reassuring smile. This is the woman she loves. The woman who tells the truth, to her, despite the instinct she has to lie. How wonderful, is that, Gwendolyn thinks.

"I'm not angry with you, Mildred." Gwendolyn says softly, "I just wish you'd told me sooner. You must've been fretting so much- and planning so much, too- but we can share this, together."

"I got us into this-"

"Enough." Gwendolyn chuckles. "Please, Mildred, don't ever think you burden me. Your hurt is mine. We share our lives, together, do you see?"

Mildred sighs, looking down at her. She runs a hand through Gwendolyn's hair.

"Don't we?" Gwendolyn asks, in a small voice, suddenly vulnerable. Because what if Mildred does not see it in the same way, and-

"Yes." Mildred says, "I love you, Gwendolyn, I promise you. I'm just not used to... this. And I wanted to protect you, you know."

Gwendolyn smiles, surprised.

"Ah. A knight in shining armour."

"Well- not exactly." Mildred looks away, smiling in her embarrassed sort of way.

Gwendolyn loves her. She rises and wraps her arms around Mildred, holding her in a close and warm embrace. Mildred melts ino her, as she always does, as if every time Gwendolyn touches her she moulds herself into the perfect shape. Mildred is so close. So real, so human, and so perfect in her imperfection.

"I'm so proud of you, Mildred." Gwendolyn murmurs, "Thank you for telling me the truth."

Mildred leans against her. And Gwendolyn would like to think that they will step forward, through every dark and winding road, together.


End file.
